Soccer Satire

In this tongue-in-cheek article for sports site Bleacher Report, Eoin Redahan examines New Zealand’s “dearth of WAGs”, instead listing examples in a slideshow of the country’s “beautiful celebrity countrywomen”, as the All Whites prepare for their first match against Slovakia in the 21 FIFA World Cup in South Africa. What are the All Whites missing out on? Well, according to Redahan, the Auckland-born Lovely Bones star Rose McIver, 22, who next appears in the film Predicament, based on the novel by Ronald Hugh Morrieson; Oscar-winner Anna Paquin, 27, who did so “while everyone else was busy playing football and shirking piano practice”; Lucy Lawless, 42, “the star of Xena: Warrior Princess who tanned dreams of leather-clad fantasy into impressionable teenage minds during the mid-‘9s”; and Nicky Watson, 37, “the New Zealand calendar lady, slash celebrity socialite, known for her fractious relationships with rich, high-profile gentlemen, and for grasping your breath for the duration of this slide.”